Crabby
|19.Aug.2008
What? Doesn’t everyone crab with their toes?
Today was hard. Just now, I’m trying to sit back and make sense of it. WHY has it been hard? Why am I feeling so crabby? Nothing fell apart at the seams today. I completed most of my ‘To Do’ list. The kids, though on edge from missing yet ANOTHER DAY of swimming to rain, were remarkably well behaved. Jeff arrived home on time and is grilling chicken. The homeschool supplies has been ordered and I feel completely at ease with this upcoming year’s schedule. I even got up on time this morning (5:00) to work and got a great night’s sleep.
And no, I wasn’t PMS’ing.
And then it dawned on me. I’m miffed. I mean, one of the most amazing men died and the world didn’t skip a beat. I stopped. My family stopped. Some of our relatives stopped. But everything else? It just kept going. In less than a week the details of his life were handled, organized, paid for, buried, and now he’s gone. He’s not coming back.
I just marked about 400 blog entries as read in my Google Reader.
That’s 400 entries in the time I’ve taken off – would I have normally read all of those?
Skimmed them?
Is what I do meaningful? Should I keep doing it?
I mean, I have to work – I pay bills with that money, but do I want to waste a single moment with the superfluous?
Of course I do.
I think.
I’m crabby because I feel lost.
My direction feels skewed – my compass is off.
I want to lay in bed and sleep or read – escape.
Or cry.
So, here I am, li’l Ms. Crabby.
Workin’ through everything one day at a time.
Hoping I’ll figure it out in the end – or not, but have peace about it.
So many of you guys shared your losses. Now share with me the ‘after’.
How do you move on with that huge void in your chest – the one that aches so much you have to press against it with your hand for relief.
That one.
52 Comments
marigold
Just take life one day at a time. I hurt so badly after my aunt Marge passed away. I was sad, and angry and just upside down for a long time. But I had a good man beside me and a God who never left my side (or hers!)
Some days, three years later, it still hits me and I tear up. But most days, I remember all the good things and am able to cherish the moments we had without sorrow for the moments we’ll never have.
falwyn
I have no advice, only the assurance that you’re not the only one. For me it was just over two months ago, and it was “just” (that sounds awful) my 15 year old step-sister-in-law, and I still feel (and act, to some extent) lost. Thinking of you, sending you prayers and love.