i used to be a skinny person
|11.Feb.2011Guest Post by: Kate Fridkis
I used to be really, really thin. And I thought thinness wasn’t a big deal, because I was so thin. People were always telling me I was so thin. Like a compliment. And I brushed it off and even pretended to be a little offended, because “thin” shouldn’t mean “pretty.” Now I’m less thin. And I’m betting I’ll keep getting less and less thin. That’s the way these things seem to work. And suddenly I start to wonder what happens when “thin” means “pretty” and you’re no longer thin. What do people say, then? You know what’s scary? They say, “You look so thin in that.”
When I tried on wedding dresses, the saleswoman kept saying, “That is SO slimming!” And “Look how tiny your waist looks in that!” (What is with me and saleswomen, by the way? The last one thought breast implants were an obvious option for me.)
And I said, “OH MY GOD, THANK YOU!!! I FEEL LIKE A PRINCESS NOW!”
No. I probably said, “Uh huh.”
But I thought, “Wait…what did my waist look like before? Apparently not so tiny, eh?” OK, so I really don’t ever think “eh?” at the ends of my sentences, but whatever. And I thought, “Do I need to be slimmed down?”
My inclination when I gained weight was to feel pretty good about it. I’d been too thin after not remembering to eat through much of grad school, and I had just met my fiancé, and I was happy. We were eating together constantly, out of joy. He clearly thought I was gorgeous, my breasts were not quite as non-existent as before, life was good.
I was obviously oblivious. I hadn’t learned a really, really important lesson. Which is the following:
It is NEVER ok to gain weight.
Wait, wait— one exception: recovering from cancer. Well, really, recovering from a disease in general. Or possibly having recently (within the last two weeks or so) given birth. So there are actually a few excuses. But I couldn’t use any of them.
And so it dawned on me little by little that I needed to lose weight. Especially since I’m getting married soon. My cousin, a rabbi who has performed many weddings, had me over for dinner. He said, “Hey, are you actually eating?” I looked surprised. He said, “I’ve never seen a bride eating so close to the wedding!”
I’m afraid that people won’t have anything else to compliment. What if I’m not thin anymore, and the only compliments I get are, “You look sorta thin in that” and “Hey, remember when you were thin? You looked good back then!”
I was more confident about my appearance a while ago. But then, I was thinner. Now I feel like I have to work harder. As though extreme thinness is the key. It’s the baseline for other beauty. And it feels easier to go on a diet then keep fighting. Which is saying something, because I love carbs. I mean, I love carbs more than people who say they love carbs love carbs. I love them like a child. That you eat. Anyway, I love them.
And you know what’s ridiculous? I don’t even really believe that whole thing about skinniness. I see heavy women all the time and think that they’re gorgeous. And I see women who aren’t skinny all the time and think that they’re gorgeous. But when it comes to myself, I have this impulse to make all the stereotypical corrections. I don’t know why.
But getting heavier is inevitable, unless I want to diet strictly for the rest of my life. So wouldn’t the right thing to do be to figure out a way to feel good about it?
Maybe people are just going to have to learn some different compliments. I can try to help them out.
“You’re so….”
“…funny and compelling and beautifully proportioned?”
“Um.”
“Thank you!”
“Wow. And to think you used to be a thin person….”
But seriously. Losing skinniness should not be a loss of identity. For some people, it’s just a sign of growing up successfully.
Anyone else scared of losing the skinny?
Kate Fridkis blogs about body image at Eat the Damn Cake and education/homeschooling at Un-schooled. She also writes for the Huffington Post and AOL’s MyDaily. She is twenty-four and lives in Manhattan, where she feels dramatically unfashionable on a regular basis.
27 Comments
JennyBean
Yes, I am!
In the past two years, I’ve lost 60lbs. Partly due to being stricter with healthy eating, and partly – if I’m honest – due to unbelievable stress levels.
So now I’m a slim 125lb and while its great and I like the comments, its also a scary place to be, because when you’ve lost this much weight, gaining a mere pound or two suddenly feels horrendous. I don’t want to lose more, cos the more I lose, the harder it is so gain, because you become emotionally invested in it. And financially invested, cos when you lose that much weight you have to replace your entire wardrobe, even your shoes.
So yes, the gain is a scary prospect, but one I know will come with age and babies. But its tricky, figuring out how to be ok with it!
Liz
Honestly, no, I’m not. I’m learning to love and accept my body as it is, at 250 pounds, rather than constantly striving for something that society and the media tells me is acceptable. I am strong, I am capable, I bellydance, I dance, I walk my dog. The numbers on the scale don’t show what a good person I am, or the animals I’ve rescued, or the people I’ve helped. They are just numbers on a scale.
I’m learning to listen to my body and nourish it with what it needs and wants, and if that’s bacon and chocolate, then goshdarnit, I’m going to eat bacon and chocolate.
My fiance thinks I’m beautiful, and I like myself better when I can go out with friends and not worry about every bite I put in my mouth.
Yes, I’m fat. So what? If people want to judge me based on that, then they are not people I want in my life.
OMSH
Liz, thanks for being so open!
I completely agree that it’s so VERY important for us to “love” ourselves no matter the weight. We are NOT all about our weight–we are sooo much more! I personally wasn’t happy with the way I felt in my body at 261.60, but it was more because it “felt” heavy…hurt my feet, I worried about my knees, etc… Still, before I could make healthier steps for me I had to embrace who I was and rest in who I was created to be. Man, I should have taken up belly-dancing–that is awesome!
shannon
Your attitude is so refreshing! I am inspired by your outlook. Us plus sized women should really stop torturing ourselves into thinking that being thin is the only way to be considered as beautiful. thin does not equal happiness. I have been thin and heavy. i know from experience. OH and by the way, they make chocolate covered bacon. mmmmmm
Yara
I lost my skinny.
Usually I don’t mind. Afterall, my skinny… the skinny most people remember, was in… junior high! I don’t want to look 12.
I got married young, and had babies in my early twenties. I lost the weight after the first two. After the third, I’m still trying to figure out when I will lose the weight.
Not to look skinny for other people. I want to lose for health reasons.
But, my mother told me a few months ago “Your aunt was saying how pretty you look from behind…” as in, from the back, I don’t exactly look fat. It’s true, most of my weight is in my tummy. Very traumatic c-sections can do that to you. I have one cousin who I rarely sees, but who has asked me the last two times “Are you pregnant?”
I finally figured out an answer for him; so I hope he asks again.
“No, I’m not pregnant. My stomach is still big because I’ve had three babies, three abdominal surgeries & I am busy being a mom to my kids 24/7.
Shall we talk about your balding now? How do you feel about having no hair left? You used to have so much hair.”
Mean, perhaps. But also well deserved. Hmph.
OMSH
I just laughed so hard some of my tea hit the keyboard. Again, I need a keyboard condom.
Jill Will Run
I struggled with anorexia for years. I was WAY TOO skinny. And unhealthy. And sad. Yet still, people complimented me to my face while muttering behind my back that I should “eat a cheeseburger” or that “someone should feed her”. (Yes, I truly heard things like this.) I’ve gained weight over the past 2 years. I’m not quite to my healthy weight zone yet, but I assume I’m healthier… but it’s still terrifying to gain the weight because the world does seem to place so much value on being thin, thus it feels like value being placed on me as a human being.
And even though it’s hard…
“Losing skinniness should not be a loss of identity.”
For me it is “Losing (extreme) skinniness is about re-finding my identity.”
Bianca
I got married five months ago and have since gained 14 pounds. And I’m only 5’3”?!
I lost so much weight for the wedding and now I’m heavier than before the proposal. Yes, I’m having an identity crisis.
marb
i used to be really thin when i was younger..like a teen lol.. i got married really young (at 20) i has two kids by the time i was 24… and i could never go back to my pre-babies body..it is hard to accept still. my dad tells me ‘thats because you are a woman now!! you cant be the same size you were when you were a child!!’ (the thinks i was a child at 20, ha) my husband thinks the same thing.. ‘you are hotter than ever!! you look like a woman!!’ so its weird, i think, to still hope i could go back, that if i just add a run to my workouts 3 times a week, or workout 6 days a week instead of 4.. or eat this or not eat that.. so yeah, its dumb, i have kids i have more important things to do..like live maybe?
Dana Udall-Weiner
Definitely relate to this. As I get older (pushing 40, or at least mid- to late-thirties), things shift and sag and change. And this is, of course, a natural part of the aging process. I have recently been thinking about the fact that wanting to stay thin, to look as though we did at 18, has more to do with existential fear of getting older and actually dying, than it does with anything else. This is why, I think, we want to get our pre-baby shape back so quickly, too. Can’t stand change, and our expanding waistlines and wrinkles certainly represent the fact that time is passing. And that we have no control. Great post, as always, Kate!
LaRee
I gained weight with each of my babies. the first 3 I was able to work off but the later 3 a whole nother story. I found out I am diabetic (all this time later) and that was keeping me from losing any when I was on diets or exercise… nothing I did helped. I have been on glucophage and that has helped balance me out.
Once I was out with my little sister. We ran into an old acquaintance, I was best friends with her daughter back in high school. She saw my sister and had a great happy reunion type of conversation, thinking she was me…. talk about embarrassing on both sides when she found out who the 220 lb woman over there was .
I have been ok with my size, I want to lose weight and be healthy. I am very well proportioned though. I am scared of the comments about how much weight I may loose. is that weird?
Liz
The whole compliments on thinness thing confuses me. In college, I lost a little too much weight and didn’t realize it. I was stressed out and trying to control something in my life, so I over exercised. The messages I was getting from most everyone around me was that I looked great, gorgeous, how did you do it, you look so thin (in a good way), etc. I was away from home and my close family and friends didn’t see me during that time.
Flash forward a few months and my back goes out from too much exercise. Close friend from home comes to see me and tells me the truth. I look like sh#t. I look sick. I am too thin. What’s going on?
Luckily, it was a short duration of time in which this all took place, but it made me realize the messages out there are so twisted. Be thin to be good enough. Be thin to be succesful. Be thin to get a man. What about the truth? If you get to thin you will have bone loss, you will not be able to have children, you could lose your hair, do damage to your organs, and you could die from an eating disorder if it spirals out of control.
Heather
I’m probably at my heaviest weight right now, but I’ve finally started to look in the mirror and look at myself in pictures and consistently like the way that I look. Now when I think about losing weight and changing my lifestyle, it’s mostly for health reasons, because I worry about losing function and damaging my health if this continues. Very interesting to hear about a different side of something that weighs heavily in my mind (I have a terrible sense of humor), since there is a part of me that thinks, oh if I lose weight, I won’t have the same sized chest as I do now (and the bf is a pretty big fan of my chest).
Dawn
I never had a “skinny” to lose. I came into this world a baby mesomorph doing push-ups. I do remember wishing for long and skinny…especially in my legs. One day I realized that God just didn’t design them that way…for whatever reason, He designed me to be strong…and if you were in a burning building, I could carry you out.
I still console myself with that very thought.
naomi
i’m fat. i’m going to be fat for a while. i have a rather large hernia that isn’t going to be repaired until october or november (not because of a waiting line but because i have to save up holiday time to be off work for a month). because of the hernia i have to limit the time and type of exercise i can have or the hernia will become larger than it already is.
after that i’m not looking to be thin. i’ve never been thin. i don’t have a body or genetics that allow “thin” to be a word applied to my body shape. all i’m looking for is to be healthy and relatively fit.
fat is something of a cuss in our society. there are many healthy fat people and whole lot more unhealthy skinny people.
Sarah B.
I am terrified of loosing the skinny. While never officially diagnosed with an eating disorder, I have suffered with food and weight anxieties for around two years now. What is scares me is that before I developed my food and weight anxieties I was overweight, then I was under weight, now I am teetering on the edge of a healthy/unhealthy weight. Every time I see the number go up I worry that I am letting myself go and will end up being overweight again.
I am learning to love my new (almost healthy!) body though. I have started to take pride in my appearance, something that I never did when I was overweight AND when I was underweight. I find that these little things make it easier for me to see the number going up on the scale.
Ashley O.
Have you ever heard of Operation Beautiful? I think you would like it and the message it represents.
http://operationbeautiful.com/
It has already made me feel better about my body and to look at other women differently and let them know how beautiful they are no matter their size.
Shannon M
Reading your comment, I can absolutely relate. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa a year ago and for me it began with the slippery slope of obsessive dieting and over-exercising. It’s so easy to yo-yo back and forth as the body’s metabolism struggles to keep up with starvation and malnutrion, only to be barraged and reintroduced to previously neglected food groups. I just want you to be encouraged that you are not the only person with these struggles and that the best thing to do is to keep a food journal, and to daily document what you are eating and how it makes you feel. This will keep you accountable to yourself and help you to face your fears in a tangible way.
Laura
I’m 5’9 and had an incredibly fast metabolism when I was younger- to the point that I was naturally a 0 or a 2 (on a goooooood day), even with carb loading, protein shakes, and actively trying to put on weight. For me, skinny wasn’t good when it was THAT skinny. I felt awful about it, less of a woman because of my shape. People commented about my weight all the time, usually in the “compliment” of “Man, you’re so skinny, I hate you!” It was meant nicely, but it was offensive and made me feel really insecure about my appearance. So, in order to deal with it, I tossed my scale and decided to eat what I wanted and exercise when I wanted and focus on being happy with how I look instead of seeing my “weight number” as a part of a mathematical equation for gaining. Eventually, the metabolism slowed and I started gaining weight, partly from stress-eating in grad school and partly because I’d never learned to control my food intake to levels besides “whole milk and candy bars and eat all the time” when I was younger. I had to do that. I’m many sizes bigger than I was, yeah, but I’m also a lot happier and feel great with some weight- I have curves instead of protruding bones! Throwing my scale was the best move I could make as an adult and really freed me from feeling like a number could define me. Moderate exercise and a healthy diet are about as far as I want to go with weight control, and I only do those things because they make me feel good and I like feeling good, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Elisabeth
Oh. My. Gosh. Thank you for putting words to what I have been feeling! After years of perfectly weighed-and-measured, sugar- and flour-free eating, in September 2010 I began eating intuitively. And I have lost the skinny. Even though I was born curvy, I somehow pulled off a size 8 for about 5 years (from age 25-30). Then I realized I wanted to live without the limitations of my perfect food and perfect CONTROL. I started listening to my body, threw away the scale, and began eating what I wanted when I wanted it. I DEFINITELY feel like I am having an identity crisis, but it is getting easier. I feel like I had finally gotten to know myself as a size 8 when I realized it just wasn’t working for me to be obsessing and perfect with my food. And now I have gotten softer and rounder, and even though I actually FEEL great (and very much enjoy my larger chest!), I am constantly judging myself based on what everyone else is thinking. Seeing photos is particularly hard, but I am taking them anyway!
Cecily
Ok, so let my preface this by saying I’m in college right now… I haven’t reached the point in my life where I worry about baby fat or menopause or aging or anything like that.
BUT I’ve been worried about losing the skinny (false, I’ve never been skinny) since Jr. high. Well I’ve been obsessed with losing weight. I would definitely undermine myself and my confidence by telling myself that I couldn’t be successful or couldn’t make awesome friends unless I lost 40 pounds. I was constantly trying to restrict myself which would make me eat more (like a reward -HA!) and that would make me think about food constantly, which would lead me to eat even more! But it’s kind of good that I’ve been struggling with that since Jr. high, because I have learned to appreciate my personality and talents so much more now than I would have had I not been obsessed with my body. Anywho – I’ve been a happier person not restricting myself. And ironically, a lot healthier, too! And skinny is one of those things that when I find myself thinking about, I know I’m not in a healthy place (read: mental) and try (as hard as it may be) to push it far away from my thoughts.
Christa
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this.
This brought tears.
And healing.
Thank you again.
Emma
I used to be skinny at school I was teased for ‘looking anorexic’ even though I used to eat a lot and very unhealthily.
I grew up, filled out a bit and was happy with my weight at 123 pounds in college, even though I still ate very unhealthy foods.
Then when uni came around and I started eating for convenience I gained a little weight, and then a little more, and then just a little bit more.
After uni I moved in with my boyfriend, ate the same size portions as him and put on a lot of weight in a year.
Now I’m closer 150 pounds which I KNOW is not fat but putting so much weight on in such a short amount of time has really knocked my confidence, since people used to say how good I looked when I was skinnier.
I think I just miss being able to eat whatever I wanted at 18 and noticing every calorie now at 23!
Kate
I am struggling! I just turned 31 & I’m 5’2 150 lbs. I weighed between 100-120 my adult life.. I gained a little around 28 yrs old. and sice then moved p to 150. My whole life every single person I knew, my family, even random peopl I met, mostly guys…told me I had the perfect body. I was still self conscious none the less. Since I’ve gained weight no one complements me. Or…they talk about how beautiful my face is…I at stand it! Its not that I need complements, but it just reinforces how bad I just look to people now. I feel embarrassed to see people cause all I can think of is how I “let myself go”. I know that beauty shouldn’t have to depend on weight, but the last few yrs I have lost all confidence. I look at pics of myself & it’s not even me I see. I look so big. I still think of myself as that skinny girl, but I’m not. I feel like I want to accept my new size, but feel pressure to be him again. Help!