Parton me Dolly … It’s Workin’ 5 to 3.

So, first let’s get the picture out of the way. I have spent the last 5 months torturing myself growing out my hair and thanks to you guys and Mr. OMSH, I have managed to grow out my Susan Powter spike I’ve worn for nearly a decade to something more … um … manageable.

That being said – and maybe it is the red hoodie – I think perhaps I’m channeling some cross between the Big Bad Wolf and Red Riding Hood. What else describes this rack of teeth?

"Grandmother, what big teeth you have!"

"All the better to eat you up with."

Note to self: When smiling in mirror – look at FACE, not camera lens, so as to know when smile looks like an orthodontist ad.

Now, on to more important matters…

DREAMS

Friends, perhaps I am processing some buried anxiety about leading a lab session with Jess at Blogher, but I’m dreaming some odd dreams. This one in particular. I want to apologize to anyone who was involuntarily dropped into my dreamworld. I love you guys. No seriously, we’ve done time together in dreamland and I’m truly feelin’ the love.

So here goes.

We’re all together in this big conference room. It is so big in my dream I can’t even see the end of it. Long and narrow. I’m addressing everyone for some insane reason. Unfortunately, I’m not actually speaking, but rather I’m singing. Yes, singing. I’m wearing a blonde wig, spitting out lyrics to Dolly Parton’s 9 to 5, and either I had a breast augmentation or I’ve stuffed Nerf balls in my bra. You can click out now if you must – this was a bit much for me to bear as well.

I scan the audience while singing – because I’m talented that way. I can both be singing and think thoughts independent of the song at the same time – Yeaaaaaaaaa ME!

Kerflop is at the front table. She’s drinking a cranberry juice, with her Mac on her lap, and her whole body is shaking. “Is she convulsing?” No, do not be alarmed – she is laughing at me. LAUGHING.

The next person that draws my attention is Lisa Stone – in skinny jeans, standing on a chair halfway back in the room. Folks – she is totally jammin’ out to my song. I can’t be certain, but I’m pretty darn sure this would never happen, but if it does … someone please get me immediately. If I’m a prophetess I really want to know it so I can start raking in the big money with my own 800 line.

People are entering the side doors – which seem to be spaced every 5 feet for infinity. Men, women and children are smiling and clapping and totally “into” me.

Man, I’m good.

And everyone in the room stands and sways and claps and who is that? WAIT! Secret Agent Josephine told me she wasn’t coming! And sitting beside her? I don’t know who she is, but her body is covered in pinkkkkitty tattoos and she’s as amused by me as everyone else, so I love her too! “Hi Pinkkkkitty Tattoo girl!”

I saw jenandtonic standing to the right talking to someone on a cell phone, then there was Chirky and Elisa Camahort whispering to each other (probably trying to figure out how to get the microphone away from me).

In a moment of reckless abandon, I started walking down the steps, into the crowd, and I look back for a second and there are BACK UP SINGERS. I am hot stuff. I’m solo’ing it at Blogher with backup singers dressed in blonde wigs and sporting big breasts. Mandajuice! Where are you? Are you taking pictures? Boobs! There are boobs!

And then I woke up.

And I was inspired.

So I wrote and recorded this diddy just for you. To laugh. And hopefully, to satisfy the universe so I won’t embarrass myself when I actually AM standing up in front of a much smaller group of women in the lab session.

RIDICULOUS REWRITE OF DOLLY’s 9 to 5: [Download if you dare.]
PC’ers: You may want to open it in a new window if ya wanna read the lyrics while you listen to me screech.

LYRICS

Tumble outta bed
And I stumble to my laptop
Gotta log on and meet up with Kerflop
Coffee’s on – I slowly come to life

Kids wake up
And their mouths start whinin’
Kisses goodbye
to Mr. OMSH-man
Moms like me on the job from 5 to 3

(Chorus)

Workin 5 to 3
What a way to make a livin’
Laundry’s killin’ me
Kids what happened
to the kitchen?
Meals are not on time
Put some fast food on the debit
Its enough to drive me
Crazy if I let it

5 to 3, my butt is getting bigger
It’d be wise if I
Would invest in a stairstepper
Want to stay ahead
But the fam won’t seem to let me
I swear sometimes my kids are out to get me
Mmmmm…

They miss the pot
Just to watch it splatter
What the heck is this
On the bathroom counter?
The bath’s got rings that’ll never go away.

Customer email
“Where’s my website?”
Summer’s arrived
Lock the kids outside
And the clock won’t stop
Need more hours in the day

———

This is the mind of a woman wacked-out on Cherry Coke.
I’m so, so sorry.
No, really.