Sage Advice on Sibling Rivalry
|27.Apr.2010As an only child, I have no experiential understanding of the complexity of sibling relationships. Did you catch that? In short, I ain’t got no idea about this brother and sister stuff!
Jeff, on the other hand, grew up in a house with 5 other children. He knows very well what it’s like to share a room, bunk, phone line, and television time. He “gets it” when the kids are fighting over who gets the last piece of pizza, the first shower, or whose turn it is to do the dishes.
Me?
I get frustrated. I want the fighting to stop. I have the “why can’t we all just get along” mentality.
Jeff serves as my barometer – he assures me the kids don’t TRULY hate each other (despite what they say in anger) and reminds me to let them sort it out.
As ludicrous as it sounds, they tend to “sort it out” much more efficiently without me.
Imagine that.
Lately Meredith and Kenny go round and round. It isn’t unusual to hear, “GET OUT OF MY ROOM!” screeched out from the other side of the house, quickly followed by a “MOM! HE/SHE WON’T GET OUT OF MY ROOM!”
One day a couple of weeks ago I was done. DONE, I tell ya.
I ordered them both outside.
GO OUTSIDE AND LIKE IT.
At least then, if they were fighting I wouldn’t have to hear it.
And then the rain came.
I fought back an overwhelming desire to laugh hysterically a slight bit of glee at the thought of my two “fighting banshees” forced-out of our dry home to stand in the rain.
Thinking I should be a better mother, I walked to the window to see where they were huddled and guess what?
They weren’t huddled.
Nope.
Meredith had pulled out the soccer ball and was dribbling up and down the driveway. As you can see, Kenny wasn’t happy and was chasing her (and growling) while trying to get to the ball.
Meredith was playing a stealthy game of keep-away as she headed back down the driveway. Pulling up his britches, he was still on her tail.
As they get to the end of the driveway he gets his moment, sweeps his leg around, and…
…GOAL! Or at least that’s what he was screaming as Meredith ran to retrieve the ball in the street.
I know, I know…at least they weren’t playing IN the street!
Now look who’s mad…
Meredith hollers at Kenny while he giggles with the pride of a little man who just showed his sister he was MOST DEFINITELY “IN” the game.
The game went on and on as they became more and more wet. In between “plays” there was taunting and jeering, and good ol’ fashioned (if I’m to guess) sibling rivalry.
Until I noticed smiles over frowns and the yelling squelched. The “fight” had turned to “play” and the ugliness washed down the driveway with the rain.
Jeff’s earlier wisdom quietly ran through my mind – “Let them sort it out.”
Indeed.
16 Comments
Jen Wilson
My mother always interfered and made us sit on the couch and hold hands. IT DID NOT HELP AND IT DID NOT WORK. She should have sent us out in the rain.
I can’t stand the fighting either. Drives me mental.
mamalang
I try not to constantly mediate either, but sometimes it’s so hard. I’ve had two solutions…I go to my room for a “time out” or I stick my fingers in my ears and sing “nannanalalalala” loudly. So far, they stop and look at me like I’ve lost my mind, and then apologize. I know it won’t last long, but it’s nice sometimes.
Nice work on this one! (especially not giving up when the rain came.)
Lee
Funny, I just wrote on this same topic from a slightly different angle, but I too share you (What the Heck perspective).
http://livefearlesslee.com/index.php/2010/04/22/siblings/
Dad
These are my grandkids … I can’t/won’t believe they were fighting at all. Just pretending so you would let them play outside. See how it turned out???? I must be right!
jamie
Ah yes. The fighting. I have been known to put my hands over my ears and screech, “STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!” Mature, eh?
Kerry
I love this! I notice, with mine, that the ones who fight the most are also the ones who play together the most and the ones who are first to swoop in when the other gets hurt to make sure all is well. Whatever it is that makes them close also makes them fight a bit more often.
mommyknows
I don’t know Jeff … around here the bigger, smarter, older sibling usually settles things in her favour. You weren’t the oldest by any chance, were you?
I kick them out of the house all of the time though. The fighting doesn’t stop, but at least I can’t hear them.
MissCaron
Great post! I have two sisters who are 7 and 9 years younger than myself and I used to get so frustrated because they ALWAYS wanted to hang out with me. LOL. My mother used to make me let them in my room, etc. and it drove me nuts but you know what? We’re sooooooo close now. SO. CLOSE. I wouldn’t trade our relationship for anything in the world. I guess what I’m trying to say is, yes, let them work it out … however, don’t be afraid to step in once in a while! :-)
MissCaron
Oh, and we ALWAYS got the “GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY!” from mom. Too funny…
Tickled Red
I love it :) Cooled off by the rain. As the oldest of four…can I stress OLDEST. It doesn’t matter if siblings are 2 yrs apart or 15 yrs apart, there will always be sibling rivalry and strife. Your husband is right, we don’t hate each other and it all works out in the end. I love your photos of their soccer game in the rain. Thanks for sharing :)
Mrs. W
My 3 stinkers get into it rather regularly. When I have reached my limit I do one of 2 things. a) I tell them they are not allowed to play together, speak to each other, or even breathe in the other persons direction. Which results in a sorrowful look and, “But why I love him/her”. OR b) I sing very loudly and off key a song of my own creation which has just one phrase repeated over and over: “I love my children, yes,,,, I,,,, do!!!!!” They cover their ears and will agree that mom is bizzarre and forget what they were carrying on about.
Love the rained on idea!
Amy
I remember those days. I”m the youngest of 8, of which I only remember 4 of us living at home. There is a 5 year gap between me and the sibling(sister) above me, so mostly I remember she & I living at home mostly. Anywho…I remember one day, her senior year in high schoo, I was in 8th grade. She was strangling me with a dish towel. I honestly thought she might succeed until our mother came home from work lol.
Carmen Roberts
My husband is an only child. We now have 5 children, so he is learning alot. I had 2 sisters but still have to remind myself to let them work it out themselves more than I do. My mom would just separate us by sending us all to our rooms because all the noise was bugging her. I like sending my kids outside though. The worst enemies can turn into friends than just like your kids did. And mine love the rain as well. No huddling for them either. My oldest 3 are boys — 11, 9 & 5 — than 2yo Susan and 1 month old Christian. Like you post about Book of Time — we’re doing Sonlight as well. Just finished BOWDITCH.
Steph
I am so happy that there are other parents out there that have more than two children. I am 24 and have three. When I was pregnant (and even now) I kept getting “So are you done yet? No more kids right?” I’m just not sure yet…
Anyway! My 7 and 3 yr old fight constantly. I was the oldest of two, so some fighting was to be expected. But it still drives me nuts! I really like the rain idea. I occasionally send them outside to play with the dog-who gets lonely from time to time. By the time they are done, I have two soaking wet kids and a wet dog from the hose they decided to spray eachother with…ugh. But at least I didnt have to hear them argue over who got the hose.
Thanks for everyone’s advice/experiences. I will definitely be using some of your ideas.
Jane Hamilton
My brother, the youngest among the 3 of us, is in his second year of college, and even yesterday the 3 of us had a free for all right in the kitchen in the middle of making lunch!! I have a 2 yr-old daughter and I don’t know what she’s taking away from that!!
Anyway, the fight…We were shouting at each other, but we had things under control, until my mom stepped in and took my brother’s side…then ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!! So, yeah, basically it’s best to keep out of it…
We forgot about the fight 5 minutes later…I kid you not!!
Amy
I used to make my girls stand out in the front yard and hug each other for what they will say was hours!