Tales from the Dark Side of Fat
|8.Oct.2007
I have a dark side. It has to be disciplined on occasion because…well, it is absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt, not where I should be. It is mean and unforgiving. It is hateful and angry. It is doubtful and un-trusting. There are days when I allow my thoughts and actions to succumb to the pull of its comfortable, yet weighty, despair – to fall back within its grasp and let it hold me there in that familiar, numb place. There are other times I push against it and rise to the light, because honestly, the light is where I want to live. I want to live in the light.
It is harder to live in the light.
Frustrations with my weight, over the years, have left me cause to jump into that dark place. I feel it creep up and I am forced to swallow it down like bile. It has so many names. The one that seems to nudge its head highest is false pride. Pride based on lies. Lies I hear. Lies I tell myself. Lies I speak to others, knowing full well they are lies.
Today, I’m talking about lies… and the pride that brings me to those lies.
Let me set the scene; a scene that could be set anywhere. Perhaps I’m watching a show, listening to a conversation, taking part in a conversation, reading a letter, reading comments on my blog. In other words, I’m taking in the words of another person. If this person is fat like I am, I’ll naturally listen more intently. If this person was fat like I am now, but has lost a good deal of weight, I will listen even more intently. However, if this person is a kind, loving, caring, NOT OVERWEIGHT person, my dark-side reaction has ALWAYS been, “What the freak do you know?”
I am so very ashamed to admit that. How many of y’all are cursing me now? Well just stop it, because you know as well as I do that we all have that one area of our life where immediate judgment is doled out EVEN BEFORE we process how we want to deal with it. It is called emotion. The emotionally charged dark side of a woman who has a lot of weight to lose is not a pretty place.
So how is this related to lies and the pride? Don’t you know? The lie says, “They have nothing to offer you. They don’t understand you. How can they? LOOK AT THEM! They’ve never carried around an entire extra person on their body! How can they know what it is like to want to hide in a closet to change clothes? Do they not realize that their entire body can fit in the leg of one of my jean’s pant legs?”
And the ugliness continues.
And do you know what I’ve discovered that ugliness is all bout? It is about me and the stench of my own pride.
It is me not accepting that this person – this entirely wonderful, kind and adoring person that has taken the time to talk on tv, listen to me, talk to me, write a letter to me, write a magazine article, research health issues with obesity, comment on my blog, or WHATEVER … THIS PERSON … IS VALUABLE. This person has VALUE to me. Their words, although perhaps not from personal experience, are nonetheless, VALUABLE.
My pride gets in the way of the truth. The truth is they may just have a smidgeon of an idea how to be healthy, because *DER* they ARE HEALTHY. Or at the very least, even if they were born with the fortunate blessing of being thin without having to work at it, they are still valuable.
The lies and the pride?
They get in the way of hearing nuggets of truth that will help me climb out of this hole.
But what do I do instead? I run. I ignore. I mutter a sarcastic comment. I don’t accept.
I bake my pride pie.
And I eat it.
And the lies? They continue.
Today I’m walking into the light and shrugging off the darkness that wants to see me fail.
If you say to me “Just take it 2 lbs. at a time.” – I will no longer say, “Easy enough for you to say when it looks like you need to gain about 2 lbs. a week.”
If you say to me, “Just keep exercising, you’ll feel sooooo much better.” – I will no longer say, “Better? THIS IS BETTER? This is me with screaming arches and a sweat-caked-body trying hard not to get stuck in the weight machines or bust my tail on the treadmill.”
If you say to me, “I’m so proud of you for taking that first step.” – I will no longer say, “That first step? This is my 1 millionth step and each step I’ve taken has cost me an add’l 10 lbs. of weight gain in the end.”
Oh my, the list could go on. It is the foulest, most degenerative method of processing truths and I do it so I don’t have to measure up. I do it because the sarcasm and the biting jokes – they hide the fact that I DESERVE TO BE RIGHT WHERE I AM.
The average human will become obese if they overeat. I am no different from the average. Sure some fall to the left and the right, but look around – there are a lot of overweight people EVERYWHERE. And they are overeating too. I’m doing the same exact thing that the vast majority of others will have to do if they want to lose weight.
I have never succeeded long term on a diet.
So what.
I have never reached my fitness goals.
So what.
I have never dressed the way I’d like to dress because those clothes don’t fit me.
So what.
And not “So what” – as in WHO CARES, but “So what” as in “So what in the stinkin’ heck am I gonna do about it?”
40 Comments
Anne
Oh man. You are so right about that dark place. I have struggled with it my whole life. Daily affirmations helped me. I was ready for them at the bottom of the pit because there was no where else to go. So then they didn’t seem corny and my sarcastic voice was exhausted form working overtime. And they helped. I’ve lost about 30 lbs. since last year. I am healthier than I have been since I was 19 or 20. Yoga hurt at first, too. I hate the gym and will never willingly get near a treadmill. So I started farming. Haukling 5 gallon buckets of water, moving and catching goats and chickens, and building various animal shelters, not to mention picking vegetables and weedign all helped me immensely. I was exercising without exercising and I did it on purpose that way because if you told me to exercise, I might do that one time. Then forget it. Nothing doing. I am glad you are telling us what you are going through. I am inspired by your struggle and I aim to continue to be healthy. Some more platitudes for ya’
You can’t eat an elephant in one bite.
Every journey starts with one step.
Break it down into smaller chunks.
Just keep on truckin’
Good luck.
mothergoosemouse
I can’t speak for others, but I know that dark-side reaction is there. It makes me reticent to speak up sometimes, knowing that – fair or not – I have a lack of credibility in others’ eyes.
And not just because I’m not overweight. The same lack of credibility exists because I’m not black. Because my parents are still married. Because I’m still married. Because I’ve never had an abortion. Because for whatever reason, I’ve never been in the same situation as the person I’m talking with.
Thanks for being so honest. I still support you even if I can’t fully understand.
chocolatechic
If you are interested…
http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com
There they have a mentoring program for weight loss.
carmen
You asked : What are you going to do about it?
EXACTLY what you are doing. Being honest with yourself, getting out there and plugging away every stinking day.
I am very proud of you. VERY PROUD.
Sue at nobaddays
The voice in your head? It’s syndicated. And playing in mine 24/7. Thanks for digging out and dishing the truth. About the pride and the lies.
JanB
It’s true. I feel that way too but have never admitted it. I also feel that men can’t understand because they are just men. People without kids — people without kids with a disability can’t get it because they have never done it. And really, I guess I still feel that way.
Heather B.
Oh dear, I am right there with you. The dark place and the generally crappy feelings and just all of it. You are a far better person than I in being able to write about it with candor. I wish I could do the same without feeling ashamed or embarrassed yet those feelings will always trump the need to just tell it like it is. I wish I could find some sort of happy medium. At any rate, I’m proud of you.
Mrs. Wilson
You are an amazing lady. Lots of overweight people would not be able to admit that it’s their fault that they’re the way they are. This post, the capital punishment one, and your other one about overeating because you’re selfish are some of my favorites because they speak the truth. I love truth. You are an amazing speaker of it.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could put what we know into practice EVERY. MOMENT. OF. EVERY. DAY? I know I wish I could.
I wish you luck (and will pray for you) on this journey of 1 million first steps. I’m going to join you too – in your what-the-stinkin-heck-are-you-gonna-do-about-it-ness. You gotta start somewhere, right?
Amanda
I know exactly of what you speak as I’ve felt it from both directions. I remember shortly after losing maybe around 80 pounds, I went into Lane Bryant to find a pair of jeans. I was about a size 14/16 at that point.
No one would help me. The sales ladies not only ignored me, but they SCORNED me.
At first I was totally offended, but I quickly realized that I used to fell the same way myself. Skinny women! What do they know!
(not that I’m skinny! I’m just no longer obese!)
After losing weight it becomes even more difficult to pick a side. On the one hand I feel like I have a huge wealth of knowledge to share – at least for anyone interested in following the path that I chose. But unless a person is ready to hear it, it’s just assvice, pure and simple and I just keep it all to myself until someone asks.
The hardest thing for me is to sit down next to a morbidly obese person – someone who is ILL from their obesity, someone who can’t walk, someone who can’t enjoy life – and keep my mouth shut.
I’ve said it before, but I’ll repeat it: there is no battle more difficult than losing a large amount of weight.
Keep up the good fight, sister.
Jenny from Chicago
Hmmm….honesty in a blog post. I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that. Thanks for giving me something to really mull over, actually a few things.
happybashful
Wow. This is a wonderful post both for the courage to be honest with yourself and the courage to be honest and share with others.
We all have dark sides. I have always had a dark side and it wins out most days in any situation. I too am one of the overweight gals, but my approach has been “I’ve tried everything and nothing works so I am the way I am. The world can adjust.” Sounds better than it actually is. It’s probably not a very healthful approach. So the fact that you are aware and trying and pushing yourself to think differently about your approach is remarkable. I applaud you.
ValleyGirl
Oh Heck, you’ve made yourself so vulnerable here in the blogosphere. Your honesty is as brutal as it is beautiful. You can do this — and this is probably the only situation in which you’ll ever hear, “Head for the light! Go towards the light!!”
Loralee
A week ago, I got a rather ugly email informing to keep my opinions about weight to myself because they “Didn’t care if I used to be fat, I got out of it with surgery the easy way.”
Basically? Since I didn’t weight 280 anymore I could keep my piehole shut.
Loralee
Sorry, that posted before I was finished! I was going to say that this post made me feel a little better.
Just because I’m not there anymore doesn’t mean that I don’t know what it’s like to be fat. I carry that obese person on my back every damn day of my life.
I can now eat fairly normally and I pick up extra pounds. So I diet, exercise, and work at it. And no, it’s not a few vanity points. I got up to 173.
I didn’t want to get it out of control again. So, I did the SO WHAT you are talking about.
I often wonder if I should ever say anything about weight, ever. Because of the reactions. But I can’t help it. I want to give people the encouragement and support I didn’t have.
Heather, I totally admire you in every way and this was a great post. It’s not easy to admit things that aren’t so great about ourselves like pride. you rock.
falwyn
Heather, I love these posts. Even though they hurt. And I hate my emotions on it. Bah.
I know that pride-reaction, and I think it’s part of what scares me about the idea of losing weight (i.e. having lost it and having it aimed at me-maybe by myself). How screwed up.
Why? Why is it so much harder to live in the light? Why is the darkness easier? Or maybe just more comfortable…
Steph
OMSH – You inspire me daily. Truly. (And also? I’m 2.5 pounds down. You can take some of the credit for that. But not a lot. Just some. :grin:)
Carole
You are telling a story so close to mine and from what I am reading, a lot of us, it is scary…you are doing it Heather…you are a strong, intelligent woman who is doing it!! You go girl…you are helping a lot of us who do not have your eloquent writing skills…Thank you …Thank you …Thank you!
Michelle
I identify 100% with you, Heather. It has been a struggle for me for as long as I can remember. I lose some, and then gain it back, and it is this vicious cycle. I want to be successful at weight loss, but I just can’t do it. Don’t know why, I just always experience zero success, maximum failure.
I think the darkness is easier b/c it is familiar, and routine, and status quo (for me anyway.). I’m afraid to be successful at weight loss, so I stay away from the success by eating, and that perpetuates my self-dislike. I want to have more energy, less stress on my back (literally), diminished pain all over, really. But here I am stuck in this all too familiar spot…I’ll say, go for it again in January, or start Monday, but I ignore my suggestions and feed that place inside of me that is so familiar being comforted with food. Why is it that what we want so much seems to be dangled out in front of us, we swipe at it, and it just swings there, just out of our grasp…..Good gosh, anyone have the number for the suicide hotline?
Sorry to be so dark, but reading Heather’s entry tonight allowed it to come out. Thanks, OMSH :o)
Hugs,
Michelle
bethany actually
Heather, everyone on the planet knows that dark place, from both sides. But not everyone is so honest about it. I know I keep saying this, but that’s because it’s true: I am blown away by your courage and honesty–saying what we all think but never admit.
I’m praying for you!
Kami
I don’t judge you for thinking that way. We all do it. Sometimes I do it outloud to my husband just to vent.
We are human.
:-)
Sarah N.
Amen, sister! Preach on.
I too am fighting this same battle. trying to figure out why I feel the need to eat when I know good and well that I am NOT hungry – just bored, tired, anxious, whatever. I know it is going to be a fight for the rest of my life. The question is am I willing to fight the fight or do I want to deal with all the health issues that will come later? I have lost 25 so far and have at least another 25 to go. I don’t want to be doing this when I am sixty. Or even 50 or 40.
Thanks for saying the things you said. The same thoughts run through my head and I feel so awful. It is hard to remember that everyone has something that they struggle with – even if outsiders can’t easily see it.
Some days I look at myself and ask how did this happen. It was slowly creeping on but then I joined WW for the first time and was within 5 pounds of my goal weight when I got pregnant with DD. So now I totally blame DD and DS!!! But I would rather have them in my life and be chubby than not have them and be skinny. But in reality I will probably be around a lot longer if I get some of the weight off. I can already tell a difference in how I feel after just 25 pounds.
Have a great week! Keep up the good work.
Georgia
It is so hard! I do this so much and it makes me so angry with myself. I secretly begrudge people that spring back to their size 4 selves three days after they give birth, or people whose houses are clean (I’m getting better about this one, though….).
I always seem to forget that we are all different and that’s how God intended us to be. How boring would this world be if we were all the same, with the same struggles?
I weighed 115 when I got married and have never returned since our first baby (of course, having three more doesn’t really help either….hehe). I gain weight when I’m pregnant. I think that is healthy. I eat appropriately and stay active, so I figure it is my body doing its job to make sure the baby is healthy. I am finally whittling down the weight six years later because I finally found the right combination my body needs to loose it. Every body is different and not every exercise program or diet works for everyone.
Whether you loose weight or not, however, I think you’re beautiful.
Adria
I’ve been quite overweight (ok, obese, there I said it) for the past 7 years. And so I *know* what it’s like to be overweight. I know what it’s like to honestly believe that will never change. I know what it’s like to have self esteem issues. I know what it’s like to scarf an entire pint of ice cream down in my car because I didn’t want anyone, even my family, to know I was eating it.
And I lost weight. I lost an incredible amount of weight, weight I didn’t really believe I’d ever lose. If I can do it you can. Truly. For whatever reason, it just clicked for me. I will never forget what I felt like before & I feel so much better now.
The irony? A friend of mine, who also has weight to lose, has not lost any as we walked the same path. And she feels uncomfortable with me now, because to her I’m too skinny. (I’m not.) And that hurts, because I’m the same person I was then. Inside I haven’t changed much at all.
Adria
I wanted to add that I think this introspection will really help you with the process. And you’re helping an unspeakable number of women more than you probably realize, but sharing this part of your life on your blog.
Michelle
I have read all of the responses to your entry, Heather, and they are all so powerful. Kudos to you for being strong and brave :o) You’ve given us the courage to open up about where we are with our weight issues…thanks so much for that. I hope my first post, last night wasn’t a selfish one…I look back at it and wonder if I should have been more encouraging to YOU, instead of sharing about ME. Sorry if it seemed selfish to anyone…
Hugs,
Michelle
Marcie
*Big Hugs*
Eve
You are a wonderful writer, and we all have our darksides. Mine isn’t about my weight, it’s about other things, and it does rear its head on many occassions, driving people I love to cry and punch walls.
Suebob
Imagine how much energy we would all have for other things if we didn’t spend so much hating ourselves for our weight.
Sigh.
OMSH
I’m reading and reading and reading. Each Monday I pour out my heart, or at the least – touch on a difficult subject, and each Monday you wrap me up.
And though many of you have written me privately via email (thank you) and have responded here to say that I’m helping you…you’ll never know how much YOU are helping ME.
These posts ARE good. Honesty is GOOD.
Blessings all.
Melissa in NZ
You are amazing. And just like the rest of us, only more honest about it!! So. I’m swallowing my pride. And admitting that I can’t do this alone. And joining Weightwatchers tomorrow night. I can’t wait.
janjanmom
We are on a tough road. (so what?)
Food addiction is just that. An addiction. An addiction I will battle every day of my life.(Even after I reach my goal of losing 75 lbs, I will still battle food addiction.) It is made harder by the fact that my body does actually need food to survive, just not at the levels I feed it. Every other addiction can be walked away from and it gets easier with “clean” time. There is no “clean” time with food addiction.
We food addicts have spent a lifetime trying to lose weight so we can celebrate by “eating whatever we want”. Most things are celebrated with food and people expect and encourage us to eat/celebrate.
Now humor:
“Inside me there is a skinny woman trying to get out but I can usually shut the *itch up with cookies.”
MR. OMSH
I’m so glad to read that you are at this juncture. So what….now? Do tell your reading audience…We anxiously await to see.
I love you Baby…to size 18 and beyond!
mikaela
Wow. Just wow! This post was written by an incredibly self-aware, determined, honest woman full of clarity, humor and spirit. How inspiring! You just rocked my world, baby :)
jamie
You know, I read you almost every day… I feel like I know you, and I feel a bit like a shmoe for not responding in comments. Not quite knowing what to say.
So, I’ll just take my hat off to your honesty. I put a little bit of that on my blog today, although for a different situation.
Jess
Thanks for your honesty. I love what MR.OMSH wrote. Very cool. Hope you feel loved, supported, championed, and hopeful.
BOSSY
Bossy thinks everyone understands your plight to whatever degree because at the root of these inner tapes it’s about the crashing disappointment when you don’t meet your own expectations, whatever that expectation is… and we all have them… the expectations. And the profound falling short of those goals.
Bossy adores you and your honesty.
Pam 'Oh Da Woods
So true….the everyday struggle…we all might just as wwell laugh about it!!!
http://dawoods12.blogspot.com
superblondgirl
That first, that millionth, that whatever step… that is so scary. I keep taking that step and then hesitating and stepping back, because I get too scared. And I, too, am tired of being fat and pretending and hating people who aren’t fat because I feel like they’re better people than me. The fat, it sucks. It feels like it makes me nastier and more bitter than I would be otherwise. It’s like an extra, awful person attached to me, following me around and whispering meanness and lies at me.
This post? Obviously has spoken to me. Thanks to allthepretties for the link!