Weighing In: Week 1

As if Mondays couldn’t get any worse… I bring you the weekly weigh-in.

I lost a couple of pounds and about 1/4″ around my waist. I should be happy. I know I should be happy. The logic and the emotions are not matching today.

Feel free to go no further and check in with me next week when I can once again play The Glad Game wearing my “made for internet” Pollyanna smile.

Today I weighed in at 252.20 lbs.

You know how last week I had a halfway decent attitude about my weight loss journey? Well, that’s gone. So I sloughed off a few skin cells from last Monday’s weigh-in. SO WHAT. I’m still fat. Not only am I still fat, I’m angry, hurt, tired, frustrated, and hopeless.

Last night Mr. OMSH and I watched a great movie wherein I got to see Rene Russo in all her nippley glory over and over and over and I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. And when it did come time to crawl into my hole – my bed – my safe haven from the world, I lost it.

Tears pouring down the sides of my face. I was silent crying – any of y’all do that? Silent cry. That’s what you do when things hurt so much that there are no words. Where you can’t explain how desperately you want free and so you say nothing. It is the cry of married people who don’t want their spouse to know they are laying right there beside them and weeping inconsolably.

And then, Mr. OMSH touched me – tenderly. Just rubbing my arms and kissing my face and I knew he could feel my tears, but he just kept being loving and kind and sensitive. And it just made the hurt swell more and I couldn’t be silent anymore. All the pain and the hurt and the “OH MY STINKIN’ HECK can I just CUT MYSELF OUT of this body!” feelings overwhelmed me and I bawled.

I haven’t cried like that in years. The kind of cry that renders you a useless sack of muck.

Yep, that was me.

I’m so tired of this battle. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t know this battle. I can’t remember a time when these wars didn’t rage in my head.

If it wasn’t for love of my family the self-hatred for what I’ve become physically would swallow me whole.

I dream of cutting away this top layer and seeing the me I recognize underneath. I dream of heaven – where I’ll be restored.

Sleep is fabulous – an escape like no other.

I want to fall asleep and never wake-up.